I hate to admit that...

I hate to admit that I loved you.

I hate to admit that I still think of you often.

I hate to admit that I miss you.

I hate to admit that she is pretty.

I hate to admit that you make me want to cry.

I hate to admit that I'm still not completely over you.

I hate to admit that I would wait for you forever.

I hate to admit that I want to be done with you.

I hate to admit.

God blessed me.

God has blessed with some of the best people I could ever ask for.

My mom is always there for me and she takes me to the doctors every time I need to go. I love her so much, and she loves me.

Tanya is amazing. She would do anything to make me smile. She always has my back and she never breaks my trust.

Alx called to see if I needed a ride. She didn't want me to have to walk in the cold. That's a true friend.

Victoria loves me and all my strangeness. She will never betray me, just like I will never betray her.

WHY

Why did you break my trust?
Why are you apoligizing when you don't seem sincere?
Why would you do it in the first place? I never did anything to you.

to you.

I wasted so much time on you. I don't know why, everyone told me you were going to hurt me. I can say I don't think you broke my heart, but I feel so betrayed by one of my best friends. All our conversations on facebook and texting will always mean the world to me. You mean the world to me, even though we've grown apart and I'll probably never see you again. I am going to miss having you in my life.

Smile

Happiness is measured any way you want it to be. Mine is by how many times a smile or laugh in a day. I love to smile, and I love things that make me smile. My friends and the things they say always brightens up any day of my life. They can make me smile on my worst days and they don't even know it. I truly am blessed with the friends I have.

My opinion on trust

My friends are fighting. I'm not getting involved. I understand Tori and Tanya's point of view. They are sick of being there for Brooke and her pushing them away. They don't want to be the only one trying. Well I live 553 miles away, are they going to get sick of not being able to see me. I don't believe so. Brooke says she needs time to let people in. She's been friends with Tanya since 6th grade, how much time is needed? She met Tori in 8th grade, again that's a long time. I met her in kindergarten, is that not long enough for her to open up to me? I trust these three with my life, I tell them everything. I trust Johnna with my life too, I've only known her a year in a half. Well I am sorry Brooke I don't understand your point of view. Please don't be mad and please explain it to me. I am here for all four of you, I don't care if we met just last week, if I trust you, I trust you. I knew Alex a week before I said I trusted him more than anyone else besides Tanya. Maybe it was two weeks. I know who deserves my trust, I could know them five minutes or 17 years. Nothing will ever change my opinion on that.

Is it bad that I want to die?

School Work...

I don't like it when people affect my grade, I need control over something. This is the one thing I can mostly control. I need good grades, its the only thing thats going to help me. I want to be seen as an intelligent person. This is why I do so much work just to impress everyone. Its my only talent, school. :/

Alone.

Everyone keeps saying how they are here for me, so why do I still feel alone?

Misery...

Everything is getting to hard. I can't possible deal with it all and not have all this conflicted feelings inside me. I know what is right and what I'm not suppose to do, but none of that seems to matter anymore. I need someone to talk to, but I feel like all my friends have problems of their own to deal with, or they seem not to really care about mine. I can't fight this urge to hurt myself or someone else for much longer. I can't wait to talk to Dr. Wendell. Maybe I'll get my happy pills soon, and maybe they'll work.

Perfect for you...

I don't want to put the blame on other people, but my friends' relationships make me never want to date. My issues would be to much if I had to try and be persfect for yet another person. Today I was told "Being in classes with new people is an opportunity to make new friends." I don't want new friends because I can't be perfect for them, and hide all my issues just so they don't have to deal with them too. I can't be this person anymore. I need to learn to be happy with myself. If you expect me to listen to you and your problems, I will, but just remember everytime you do it takes away another part of me. I will never get any of it back.

I was told he cares. My smile lasted hours.

:/

I am so not the happy person I use to be. I can't even pretend to be happy. I've decided to get rid of everyone who doesn't believe i matter to them. I want to matter, and supposedly i matter to my friends. So why do i feel all alone? I'm so over it. I can't put myself out there anymore, I don't care about it at all. I need to work on being happy, work on myself. Nothing matters to me, and thats not good. I question life some days, I don't want to, but I do.

The way you make me smile, makes me want to live everyday trying to make you smile.

10th grade.

For the last few days I've been scrapbooking my 10th grade year. It brings back so many memories. TNT with Tanya, and us getting kicked out for her throwing paper at asshole Tonawanda kids. Brooke spitting gum in some chicks hair. Tanya teezing my hair and us going to the mall with no sleep. The mall again, but this time with Brooke and Tanya after me and Brooke ditched out on the last day of school. My birthday party where everyone was freezing except me because I'm a weirdo. Jonas 3D concert experience with Tanya, one of my favorite memories form that year, taking pics in the bathroom before hand. Ann and Jays summer party, one of my last days there. Darien Lake like 2 days before I left. I miss it all so much sometimes.

....

I should not be left alone, it brings back the thoughts of 8th grade. How I felt abondened and alone. It brings back so many things I just wanted to forget.

Alcohol (heart)

Color of the alcohol I drank Monday night. It smelled amazing, but tasted extremely bad. Being depressed for me has no cure, until I started drinking. When I drink I am just so happy and I feel so good. It is one of the best ways to feel. I get so sad for no reason, but some alcohol just makes everything all better. I smile, I laugh, I feel happy. My friends being there when I experience this makes it even better. I love my friends, and they are truely wonderful people. Alcohol is my drug, no love needed.

Everything...

heyyyy, I love being here in New York. But I'm super afraid once I leave I'm going to be super sad and just miss my friends so much. They all complete me in their own ways. I can pretty much say anything and they never get offended. A very good thing.

With me awkward moments don't exist. I say the most awkward things but I roll with them and no silence ever occurs. It's the best. I am one of the best people to be around. I can make anything fun. I love fun.

Sleeping, actually sleeping, in bed with a boy scares me. I think it would make me emotionally attached. And I don't want that, ever. I have nightmares a lot, but they go away when I sleep in bed with like my mom or one of my friends, so I think if I slept in bed with a boy they'd go away until he did, then they'd come back way worse. And I'd be already completely sad from losing the boy that it would just be the worse thing ever to me.

I have no problem with people dissing my physical look, I don't care what they have to say. What bothers me is when people diss my personality. I love my personality and it hurts when people don't. I love to talk and I hate when people tell me to shut up. I can talk whenever I want, and I will do just that.

I love texting. It like makes me smile, when people say things to make me feel better. Best invention ever.

I love seeing my name in people's blogs, so thank you Tanya Lee for making my night.

Love.

Love is just a word. according to a friend of mine. So I will never say I love you to you again, and I will never except it from you. Words are pointless and they mean nothing to me anymore. When I say I love you, I mean nothing by it. I will tell a stranger I love you if they do something nice for me. This excludes close friends and family, cause I love them. But its a different love. Its a never ending love. So please remember this, I do not believe in love for me. I am unloving and unlovable.

Important

I have huge problems with being ignored. I so hate it. It makes me feel hated and unimportant. I want to be important, I want to feel important. I don't need people telling me I'm important, I need them to show me. I need it. Don't text me if you don't plan on continuing our conversation. Don't talk to me all day then stop, it makes me feel like you only talk to me when its convenient to you. Thank you.

the truth

I am very honest. I don't lie and I don't see a reason to. So to me, lying is pointless and doesn't accomplish anything. The truth always comes out. If you lie to me, and I find out, I most likely won't say anything to you about it. It'll just drive me crazy inside until I shut down completely. Lying just makes me question everything you've ever said to me. So now, I don't believe a word you've ever spoke. I am honest, brutally honest. I tell the truth even when it's not nessseccary. I believe in the truth, but I don't believe in you.

Bitches be Jealous.

Bitches be jealous. I got the 6 best friends anyone could ask for.
Tanya Lee- Smart, beautiful, and the best personality you will ever find. She's sweet and caring, but can be a bitch when needed. She means the world to me. We've played our games together since like 5th grade, sisters to brats. We've basically grown up together. Making pancakes at 3 in the morning, now that was a once in a lifetime experience. I trust her with things I can't even tell the only 5.
Brooke Elizabeth-Her boyfriend might kill me, but I know she'd mourn my death forever. We've have our hard times throughout the years, but what do you expect, I met her in Kindergarten. Long ass time. She's their when it matters most, now.
Victoria Alexandria-Sweetest bitch ever. She'd do anything for me, including bring me a monster. She is like me in so many ways, mainly the weird ones. We're crazy together, but I like it that way. We've experienced something together, that will always keep us close.
Alexis Lea Lucille-I can tell her anything and she won't judge me. She tells me the truth and never sugarcoat things :) thats exactly what I usually need. She doesn't get freaked out by my weirdness, she embraces it.
Miranda Paige-She listens well, and normally knows what to say, she includes me in everything, making me feel like I've always been apart of things.
Alexander (He hates his middle name and asked that it was not put in here)-best I will never forget him. He saves me from myself every time I talk to him. He can upset me, but I get over it fast and I probably piss him off everyday but he doesn't let it show.

I miss being a kid.

I might get sad randomly and for no reason, but I am still the funniest person to be around when I'm happy. I do crazy things and I make everyone laugh. Today is the last day of school, yay! I have two finals (1 and 4) easy! German will take all of 10-15 minutes, cause I know my german. And U.S. History will take like the whole period, but if its all from the study guide I should do fine. Cause I did my study guide. Okay, a random switch -- best childhood memories all include dolls that lookesd either like freaks cause we chopped their hair off and dresses them weird or sluts. Short skirts or just short shorts. They all drank and had sex, fought and caused tons of drama. They were the Bratz, me and Tanya, on her floor, her beds (when she shared a room with Raechel, it was the only open space big enough), or the living room. With the cars and the boats even, which we lost randomly?!?!?! and the crazy roadtrips where people always dies, but never our favorites, even thought they would be alive again when we started over, we could never kill our favs. Tanya's fav was always Greg Lowrey, him and the stupid hat that never stayed on. My favorite was Adrian, and then Kelly P. especially when they dated. He was a horrible boyfriend. Favorite couple: Jake and Nicole-always drama there. Cross and her books, Eithan and his annorexia. All fun things I'll never forget, with the person I'll never forget. I miss being a kid...

Randomness...

Heyyy. Soo, I had an asthma attack. And I was scared again. I hate the feeling of not being able to breathe. And I had no one to talk to about my fear. My brother doesn't answer any of my calls or texts. I don't really talk to most of the people I use to spend hours talking to. My frilly girls are amazing today. I love them some days. They are crazy. I ran into Miranda, Johnna, Stephani, and Amanda today at dollar scoop, it brightened my day. I've missed my friends.

In response...

I'm sick of her thinking she's the victim. I never did anything to her, and she has not stopped talking about me in like weeks. I have not even thought about her and neither have my wonderful, amazing friends. They are better than that. And I think her stupid blog was completely unnecessary, if she has something to say, say it to me. I'm sick of her blogging about me, it seems like her obsession. If she wants to resolve our issues then she'll make it happen, because in the history of our friendship, it was almost always me. And I love how my supposed friend tells her what I said. And don't deny it, it was almost word for word in her blog what I said. Also, other people need to stop talking about me, I'm sick of it. I never did anything that deserved what I'm getting.

Alx and Miranda, Miranda and Alx

Heyy. Day two. So I don't believe in love. I mean love can exist but I don't think theirs one person in the world for each person. But maybe their is just not one person for me, yet. I'm a generally happy person, but I get upset when I feel ignored. I hate feeling that way, I want to be important and paid attention to. Now, Alx and Miranda are the best people anyone will ever meet. They always have my back and they stand up for me. Like, the other day someone called me stupid, and I'm so far from stupid, and Miranda flipped on her. The girl ended up apologizing. It was the best. Alx helps me flip on people. Like I'll be yelling and she'll chime in and it'll be like a double assault. People should fear us when we're together. Moving here is the best decision I ever made, and yes it was my decision. I gave the okay to my mom and she moved us. She was going to wait till a graduated, but I loved it here to much to wait.

I made a blog.

I'm going to blog my life now, because I just think it's that damn interesting. Now I stopped contact with my so-called best friend. She says she's the happiest she's ever been, and seriously I'm happy for her. She deserves happiness. I'm just sorry I had to move away for her to feel that way. I guess in all reality I'm just not good enough for anyone. But that's fine, I'm perfectly happy being number one to myself. I have my new friends, who I just love. They make me happy, they come with little drama, and they have my back always. Back to so-called best friend (scbf) she says she's the most loyal person she knows. I don't believe this. Ever since she became scbf she has ditched me for someone else on several occasions. I guess to her I'll always be there no matter what she does. Which is actually true. If she reached out to me, and made an effort I'd forgive her and we could be friends again. This is because I'm loyal, and I would do anything for my friends. I'd walk through hell for them. My goal in life is to find someone who thinks I'm just as important as everyone else in their lives, because so far I'm always second. :/